


If Lost, Please Return To...

by drcalvin



Series: Lessons in Love and Devotion [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Arguing, Being Lost, Community: 64damn_prompts, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2012-07-11
Packaged: 2017-11-09 15:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drcalvin/pseuds/drcalvin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a while, you discover that even the most amazing person in your life has a few annoying faults and errors. The first hint that their great idol, Roronoa Zoro, might have some clay feet, comes to Johnny and Yosaku when Zoro goes off to collect firewood. They wait for him... and wait... </p><p>Second in a series of short fics that focus on the relationship that developed between Zoro and the bounty-hunter duo Johnny and Yosaku during two years of travels through East Blue. Nothing explicit in this part.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Lost, Please Return To...

**Author's Note:**

> Written to the prompt #32 linger, for 64damn_prompts

"He's gone." Johnny stared out at the empty, Pirate Hunter-less slope leading up to their camp for what felt like the eightieth time today. "The asshole just took off!"

"C'mon, partner, we don't really know that." Yosaku patted him on the back and tried to hide his own disappointment. "Maybe he, uh, perhaps... Look, it's a (kinda) big forest, he could've gotten lost."

The forest in question wasn't so much a forest, as several separate groves of trees spread out over a series of low hills and meadows. Climbing any hill, you could see a far distance. Even if Zoro's hair was green, it shouldn't have been able for him to disappear so completely in this landscape.

"Lost? LOST? How the hell would you get lost in a forest consisting of three trees and two rocks? Accept it, man, he's dumped us!" Johnny could almost feel his temper fraying. Dammit, he knew he shouldn't take it out on poor Yosaku, who'd done nothing but kept the fire going and tried to cheer him up while they sat around on a windy hill for days, waiting for the oh-so-high-and-mighty asshole of a "Pirate Hunter". The problem was that once Johnny's temper got going, his good sense tended to take a vacation and the one he really wanted to scream at, wasn't there. "I don't care if he's got the ass of a god and the sword skills of a demon, if he can't even bother to say goodbye before he takes off, he can fuck off and go to hell. You hear me, Roronoa?" he continued over Yosaku's protests. Cupping his hands around his mouth, he turned towards the offensively calm hills. "You can just _go fuck yourself!!_ "

"Hey, calm down! What if he hears you?" 

"Give it up! We've been waiting around for ages! The food is running out and there's no booze; hah, you noticed how he made sure to drink us almost dry before he ran away? He's obviously way too much of a selfish ass to bother saying goodbye so why don't we just take his crappy crap," he gave Zoro's abandoned pack a hard kick, "and throw it into a river before we go and get drunk because I can't deal with this kind of shit sober!" Kicking the pack had felt great, so Johnny did it again for good measure. He felt something give beneath his foot and viciously hoped that it was a framed photo of Roronoa's mom or girlfriend, because this was just not fair! He thought they'd been friends!

"Fine, let's go. But I think we should remove the money first," Yosaku muttered. "There ought to be a load left from the last bounty we caught together."

"Oh, get off it you idiot!" Johnny just about managed to reign in his wish to punch something (or actually some _one_ , who unfortunately wasn't here at the moment) and instead underlined every word with a hard poke on Yosaku's chest. "HE fought that guy, just like he's been fighting all the guys, HE brought in the bounty and we just tagged on! Again! I bet that's why he left, because we're useless! But he could at least have said goodbye!"

"Well, I think we did a good job with the henchmen when they tried to set fire to..."

"So what! The fucker can probably breathe fire and cut steel, he's just too fancy to show us measly peons his true skills. FUCK THIS!" Before the logical bits of his brain managed to override his anger, Johnny had pulled his sword and cleaved most of Roronoa's backpack in two. Seeing the innocent bag split by his sword, feeling sour fear grow in his stomach (shitshitshit, the man was insanely strong, what had he done?), he could only fight it off with even more rage. Ignoring Yosaku's flailing, he kicked the bag, slashing angrily at it.

"Johnny, Johnny, dude! Get a grip!" Finally, Yosaku got around him and locked his arms, keeping way out of range of the sword.

"I don't want to!" 

"Okay, fine, it's your fool neck! But think of this –" He shook Johnny once, for extra emphasis. "What if you cut the damn _money_?"

That was actually a fair point. Hand still shaking with anger, Johnny lowered his sword. They stood panting together for a few moments, before Yosaku dared to give him an awkward hug. 

"Course it bloody hurts, man," his partner said. "You think I'm not feeling all used up, getting dumped by this guy? I admired him too! I thought... Call me an idiot, but I thought we were really becoming pals." He leaned his weight against Johnny's back, and grasped his hand, giving it a hard squeeze. "But we've got each other, don't we? Right, partner?"

Swallowing a few times, Johnny squeezed back. Sometimes, he was a bit of an idiot. More than a bit. "'Course we do. And that's... Shit, partner, I'm sorry for flipping out like that."

Giving an easy chuckle, Yosaku waved away his apology. "Ey, 's okay. Only means I get to play the sensible one today!"

"You're doing a great job," he said, turning around and daring a rare daylight hug. Yosaku smelled of comfort, of home. His silly, reliable partner whom he'd fought besides so many time. Who'd never in a million years walk away without even bothering to lie about having somewhere more important to be.

"Let's grab the money and get off this hill," Yosaku suggested, and Johnny found himself nodding, his anger all spent and only empty regret left. They'd wasted too many days already, waiting for a guy who obviously thought he was too good for them.

Clothes and bills spilled out when Yosaku poked the bag. While they both tried to be discreet in the beginning (hah, as if Roronoa wouldn't notice the itty-bitty cut through half his shirts), they soon forgot all about being careful. Curiosity aroused, they began wildly rooting through the bag.

"Man, these clothes, aren't they like all stuff we picked for him?" 

"Not the stomach warmers," Johnny pointed out and hefted two floppy green things. "Who under the age of eighty wears this kind of crap anyway?"

"Obviously, people who lack all taste, otherwise why would he diss our amazing company?" Yosaku's sniff of faux-snobbism was so well executed that Johnny found his dark mood slowly begin to dissipate. "Huh, he left his sword polishing stuff too..."

"Tsk, no wonder he keeps breaking the poor things."

"That poor lovely Meitô." 

Johnny sighed in agreement, recalling the beautiful sword he'd been allowed to admire up close once. One admirable object reminded him of a few others, and his next sigh was decidedly wistful. 

"You're thinking about his beautiful ass, aren't you?" Yosaku asked, proving that becoming an old married couple didn't always have to involve an old priest babbling at you.

"Hmm, right now it was his beautiful cock, actually, but close enough."

"Oh yeah, that was lovely too. Especially with that –"

"– hair, yes I know, have you ever seen a natural –"

"–greenhead before? Nope, but I wouldn't getting one more look!"

"It's almost a shame he didn't have a bit of fuzz on his chest," Johnny mused, imagining how it might've been (oh, if only) he could have dragged his fingers through some sparse green locks on Zoro's chest. Feel the tickle of hair against his cheek as he kissed Zoro's nipples, tug at it while the other swordsman moaned and writhed beneath him... If only.

"Oh, I don't know," Yosaku said, "we got a lovely view this way." They contemplated their memories of the view. Lovely indeed. And exhibited with a pleasant regularity too. 

"'S a shame," Johnny sighed, "body like that, awesome swordsman moves, and then it turns out he's a frigid jerk."

"I still say he might've been interested. Couldn't have hurt to ask at least!"

"Hah! Oh yes it could! Don't you remember when you tried to hit on Asghol the Bomber?"

"That was a completely different situation," Yosaku mumbled, turning his focus back on the pack. "Completely!"

True, Yosaku's flirting with the handsome pirate had at least partly been a ploy so that the bastard didn't figure out that they were trying to sneak into his stronghold and pour water on his bombs. But Johnny knew perfectly well that his partner wouldn't offer as much as a quickie to a pirate of average hideousness. Unfortunately, not only was Ashgol a pirate and bomb-builder, he was also one of those big, masculine men that quaked in his heavy, skull-cracking boots if he suspected that another guy was checking out his junk.

"You mean because Roronoa wouldn't just clock you and panic so badly that he blew himself up with his own bomb," easiest damn bounty they'd ever brought in [1]. "He'd just put on his headband, look all crazy like he does –"

"Y'know, I swear I get a boner every time he pulls that face, damn distracting when we're fighting."

"– _look all crazy_ and then cut your stupid head off? Is that what you want, huh?" 

Perhaps the stress was getting to him, because Johnny felt his voice almost crack at the last word. Silently, Yosaku grabbed his shoulder, giving it a hard shake.

It was okay. They hadn't messed up, had kept their drooling hidden. And the fearsome Pirate Hunter was gone, probably never to be seen by the likes of them again.

Finally reaching the money, they counted out the sum (six thousand, what kind of person just left that behind?) and snooped through a few newspaper articles hidden among the otherwise boring and unremarkable content of the back. The articles weren't even very exciting – tabloid reports about Shichibukai-sightings a few islands away, a local piece about a dojo hosting a sword tournament for the kiddies and two ads from swordsmiths 'of skill and renown'. Beneath them, a pack of bounty posters and a list of Marine bases friendly to freelance bounty-hunters that Yosaku had scribbled down for him.

"...is it just me, or does he have no life at all?"

Johnny nodded. Heck, his own backpack wasn't exactly a thrilling cornucopia, but he carried had some personal items. Souvenirs, a gift from Yosaku, lube (disguised as medical ointment), flyers to favorite inns, handcuffs (to 'subdue struggling pirates' ahem-hem) and a picture of his mom. And, now that he thought about it, probably a half-rotten sandwich. Dammit, why didn't he remember that yesterday, when dinner had been grilled squirrel?

"This is just sad," Johnny summarized the sight. "Let's pack up and get out of here."

Now that they'd decided, it took less than an hour to pack up and clean after themselves. Most of the time went to stuffing Roronoa's clothes (the not cut apart ones) into their own bags. There was no use wasting perfectly fine clothes just because the owner was a rude, ungrateful ass. (But what an ass – no, bad Johnny, down boy!)

Leaving the windy hill was a relief. Even if Yosaku dragged his feet suspiciously much and Johnny found himself having to re-tie his shoes thrice, it was a _total relief_ to leave.

Eventually, they reached the place where the path turned into a real, if narrow, road. According to their map, they only needed to follow it until it crossed the highway to Sand Town, which was their first goal. From there, they could easily grab a ship to a more interesting place. Yosaku was already talking about sailing down south for a bit of warmth. There were bound to be good bounties in the area too.

Much to their surprise, they could hear raised voices from up ahead. Not the usual threatening 'Yarrr, we're highwaymen because we failed to become pirates' bluster, but what sounded like a rather intense argument. They upped their pace, curiosity pulling them closer, and soon the yelling cleared into distinct voices.

"I keep telling you, there are _no mountains_ around here! Do you understand me? NO! MOUNTAINS! NONE!"

"And I keep telling you, you senile old goat, that I left my friends on the other side of the mountain! I need to get back but you keep giving me all kinds of weird directions! Last time I ended up by the sea –"

"Gods above! We're _two days_ away from the sea!"

"Then how the hell did I end up on a beach yesterday, huh?"

"I don't bloody know, you– you idiotic, mossbrained, swordsucking MORON!"

Without a word between them, both Johnny and Yosaku broke into a sprint as they heard that. Feet pounding against the road, the cleared the hill and saw a view that was almost as interesting as it was unexpected. 

A tiny, shriveled old man (but, one had to admit, still in possession of a pair of fine lungs) was waving his stick around and appeared to be yelling himself towards a heart-attack.

And who was he yelling at, if none other than the Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zoro. Even from the back, they could tell he was spitting mad and about two seconds from pulling out his swords to create some old-man kebob. He was still in the same shirt he'd worn when he walked off to gather firewood, though he had somehow lost his sandals, and he was right now pulling at his (okay, yes, somewhat moss-like) green hair while releasing a frustrated groan.

"Heeyyyyy! Big bro!" Yosaku hollered, beaming like the sun. "Where the hell have you been?"

Whirling around, Zoro stared up at them, and Johnny almost stumbled in surprise. The guy looked terrible, at least compared to his usual stunning attractiveness. Dirty, with dark rings beneath his eyes, and the kind of chapped lips and sharp face you got when you hadn't eaten for days (and Johnny thanked his lucky star that he was becoming a good enough bounty-hunter for that to only be a vague memory).

"Johnny! Yosaku!" 

Ouch. But seriously, ouch! Because despite looking ragged and tired, Zoro broke into a radiant smile when he saw them, spreading his in greeting. Johnny found himself slowing down as a host of conflicting emotions caught up with him, among them a rapidly increasing guilt. Yosaku, simple creature that he was, had no such concerns. He threw himself onto the other swordsman, babbling happily while giving him a heartfelt hug.

"So you're his handlers, huh?" the old man groused. "About time you showed up."

Handlers? O-kay, don't even go there, brain. "Has he been here long?" Johnny said, grateful that he didn't have to confront the mixture of anger/joy/guilt/disappointment that would have made a hug incredibly awkward just now. 

"Pfah!" Spitting at the road, the old man poked at Zoro's back with his stick. Since he was still caught by Yosaku's arms, Zoro only swatted feebly at the offending tip. "This big lug has been coming back and bothering me for days! He keeps talking about mountains, and beaches, which is just ridiculous! And he _never listens to my directions!_ "

"That's because your directions are shit!" Zoro growled and turned to them, though he left his arm around Yosaku's shoulders. He might or might not have been leaning most of his weight at the other bounty-hunter too; not that Yosaku minded in the least, judging by his gigantic grin.

"Where did you hide away from him anyway?"

"Uhm, up the road." Johnny pointed out the camp site marked on their map. "We've been waiting for four days..."

The color in the old man's face increased alarmingly, nearing purple, when he whacked Zoro on the head with his stick. "You've been running around the landscape for _four days_ and you couldn't find your way back to sodding RABBIT HILL?" 

"Whoa, whoa, whoooaa, let's calm down here!" Yosaku said, pulling Zoro away while Johnny grabbed the offending walking-stick before anyone mistakenly poked a sword and lost a limb or something unpleasant like that.

"I don't give a shit about any rabbits, you crazy old fool," Zoro said, manfully ignoring the lump already growing on his head. He shook his head, then winced and sagged just a little against Yosaku. "Screw this, let's get out of here! Or I'll chop down to that goddamned signpost." 

And you too, you old goat, Johnny mentally filled in. Leaving sounded like an excellent idea. 

Yosaku must've agreed, because he was already pulling Zoro down towards the main road. So Johnny hurried to sneak gramps a few coins for his troubles, because it was never good to have old men cursing your name, and ran off after his friends. 

"Seriously, bro," Yosaku began once they'd gotten safely away, "you didn't actually spend all this time being lost in the woods?"

Pulling away, Zoro fiddled with the hilts of his swords and refused to look either of them in the face. "Of course not! It's not my fault that half-blind old goat sent me in the wrong direction, is it? I knew where I was going. Kinda. He's the one who kept showing me the wrong road!"

"But how did you even get down–" 

Johnny tactfully elbowed his partner in the side. Even hungry and seemingly two steps away from falling over with exhaustion, Zoro could still put out some mighty fine don't-fuck-with-me vibes. 

"Maybe next time, we should mark our camp more clearly on the map?" he suggested. "Although we need to buy you a map of your own first..."

Zoro gave him a tired smile. "Sure, good idea. We can pick one up when I've buy a new backpack."

"Oh. Yes, about that... Yours kinda had a bit of an accident..."

"No problems," Zoro shrugged off his awkward semi-apology. "I've got a really bad luck with backpacks. Keep forgetting where I put them or they get stolen while I'm out hunting or something. One time, someone took off with my entire camp, didn't even leave the firewood behind."

Johnny and Yosaku exchanged a _look_. "You don't say?"

"It's only crap anyway; I keep my valuables with me all the time." Zoro patted his swords.

Johnny tried to understand how your brain was put together when six thousand bucks weren't valuables.

"Bit shame about the money, though," Zoro continued, proving that he wasn't a complete freak. "It would've been nice to eat without having to hunt someone, but eh – with three of us, we can pick up another bounty in a few days if we hurry. Should last us at least for a few dinners." 

Johnny revised his earlier opinion. 

"Swear, I could _murder_ for a bit of meat right now."

Yes, that bit Johnny didn't doubt. It thus gave him no pangs of consciousness at all to spin a tiny white lie; about how they'd become worried about Zoro but felt that three bags were too much to carry, and split his stuff between their own packs. Oh, and by the by, they still had some trail-cakes and dried meat if Zoro wanted to have a snack right now?

He did.

Much later, when they'd reached an inn (where Zoro had decimated half the pantry and the entire stock of booze before he fell asleep at the table and they had to carry him up to their shared room) Yosaku nudged him while they were preparing their own beds.

"Hey, partner?"

"Yeah?"

To his credit, Yosaku never even breathed the words 'I told you so'. Instead, he beamed at the sleeping Zoro and adjust the blanket over him. 

"We're his _keepers_. It's almost official now!" 

Johnny tried to keep his own smile away. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard. And I just listened to big bro explain how you pass Cap Roger when you sail to Disco Town from here, which is so impossible it's not even funny."

"So? Fighting with three swords in the mouth should look stupid too," Yosaku said, only mouthing the 'stupid' part. "That hasn't stopped him from turning it into the coolest thing I've ever seen."

"You mean it's some kind of gift? Doing stupid shit in a cool way, but being unable to actually manage totally normal stuff?" There might be a grain of truth in that, actually.

"Gift, curse, freak of nature – who cares? He's ours now, so I say we keep him!"

"I'm not certain it'll be that simple," Johnny whispered, stroking a hand over the unwashed green hair (first priority tomorrow: dump him in a tub) while recalling Zoro's intensity whenever he talked about finding Hawk-Eyes Mihawk. "But I guess we could look after him until further notice... Just, to keep him from harassing any more poor old men and signposts."

* * *

[1] And yet, Johnny had woken up from more than one nightmare where Ashgol panicked only a little less, and managed to make reality of his threat to have Yosaku eat one of the bombs. After this event, they'd implemented a strict no-flirting-with-pirates rule.  
\- Back to text

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to loveandallthat for amazing beta help!
> 
> Ps. Feedback is appreciated.


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